Why crying?

So far this semester I'm doing good enough. Yes there are still lots of nightmares, but at least it is slightly less than last term's. I really hope that by the end of this year in December or in January I will finally obtain my sacred Bachelor's Degree.

It is very painful seeing most of my friend got that fucking scroll at the end of this year, or going to get it by this June. Seriously if people ask me what is the thing that I regret the most now, I'll very confidently say that it must be the decision I made 5 years ago, of leaving that petroleum company's university. But He knows best, always.

In a little more than a month' time, I'll be 23. Then next year I'm gonna be 24 years old. Sometimes I love seeing how fast time flies. Sometimes I hate seeing it. I love it because soon I'll be able to burn my notes. I hate it because I know even though I'm having an idea that once-I-finish-my-studies-I-will-be-away-from-problem(books), there might be big challenges ahead.

Let's talk about marriage. Who doesn't want to get married? I seriously think that as a Malay and as a Muslim, I need to start thinking seriously about this. Lambat-lambat kawen berkarat nanti. Tapi tak bujanglah kalu kawen.

Well I think I'm not that desperate, but bear in mind, I'm living alone. Things won't be like this if I have a house mate or a room mate. Yes I do have French friends, my course mate. But they're living far from me, and they're not here during weekends. Even among them they don't go out that often. Main activity is of course partying, drinking. Sometimes having coffee during sunny days.

That's why my life here is so boring. Worse, my course is an extremely extremely very very very difficult one for me. Lots of time I curse alone, blaming fate bla bla bla. Then I'll istighfar once I realized that by doing that, I was actually blaming God, and it is a big big big sin.

But seriously, I'm so lonely. A lot of times I cursed about my life. But I need to thank God for giving me strength and iman, even if mine is not that strong because with that so called very little iman I manage to keep doing my responsibility as a Muslim and prevent myself from doing stupid things. (Padahal thanks to my classes who most of the times start at 815 so that I need to wake up early and able to perform Subuh and that habit of waking up early became permanent even during weekends)

People say that once you're in the final year of Bachelor' degree, you won't have lots of classes. But for me, it is not that relaxing. Everyday I got classes from 815 till 615 in the evening. Every morning I have to take the bus at 730, get out of my apartment at 715, only arrive back home around 7pm. Only on Fridays I have nothing in the afternoon, but I still need to wake up early as my Friday is an 8-12. So that is why I wake up early even during weekends, terbawak-bawak budaya bangun awal ni.

I want to get married and always having the one I love by my side. This loneliness that I'm suffering make me crave for this. But I don't know how. I never talk about love with my parents. My parents never asked me about who am I dating at the moment. They know, only because my aunties who kept asking me about this, and sometimes talk about this with me in front of them.

Considering myself as a small boy, I have a principle of not talking about love, girl or marriage with my parents until at least I have a degree. So I wonder when will I finally have the balls required to talk about this, tak kan lah 5 bulan sebelum kahwin baru nak cakap kan?

By the way, soon my internship will begin. This year I am quite lucky to have 3 internship offers so far, 1 in France with Alcan (Canadian company, biggest aluminium producer in the world), 1 with s-a-p-u-r-a-a-c-e-r-g-y (remove the dashes), this is an oil and gas company, and another one with J-K-R which is my very last option. I'm still waiting a reply from an American oil and gas company in KL.

Most probably I'll do my internship in Malaysia, this is nothing to do with home sickness ok. This is because, working in oil and gas industry is my ultimate goal, my sacred dream. Doing my internship in this industry will help a lot. Plus I read in forums that these company normally will call the interns back to work with them once graduating.

Damn it, if I did not screw things up, I'll be graduating in April, start my internship in mid-April and maybe start working this September. But never mind, let's just hope that I'll finish on a high this December. I just can't wait to start working, seriously.

Just now I read Ayrton Senna' biography at internet. FYI, late Ayrton Senna was a legendary F1 driver, 3 times world champion. He died in a crash while racing at the Imola GP. I never had the chance to know Senna that well, how personally he is but I always heard that he is an f1 legend. Reading his biography, plus the incident during that GP where another driver was also killed made me cry. Because off the track, Senna is a very good man, silently donates lots of money.

Then I searched the video of the crash that killed him in Imola back in 1994. Then I was stumble upon a video where Michael Schumacher cried during a press conference after a race in which he broke a record set by Senna. A reporter asked about his feeling of his achievement by equaling Senna' record. He just couldn't hold his tear. This made my cry even more.

I rarely cry. But I don't know why, for me their sportsmanship is simply stunning, that touched me a lot. During the accident' season (1994) Schumacher was world champion, and Senna was his main rival. On the track they fought, they were rivals. But off the track, they're great personalities.

On the track, I was never a Schumacher fan, I hate him because sometimes he used to race dirtily to win. But off the track, he always stay away from the limelight, from the celebrity life style. He keep his family life private, involves himself in charity. That is something I respect a lot.